So taunt me and hurt me
deceive me, desert me
I’m yours till I die.
So in love…
“Old Friends”
Thank you. Today was so wonderful. It was just so nice to spend some quality time with you. I know that we can never be stable for more than three seconds. Even Bill told me he has figured out our history by hearing her on the phone. I would have reasons if I never wanted to speak to you again, and you do as well, but I really do enjoy you and (unfortunately for me) if you meant something to me at one point, I won’t be too quick to let you go forever. I feel comfortable talking to you about things I can not talk about with anyone else, and we actually see eye to eye on a lot more things than you think. By not talking, and just talking about each other to her, we just make things worse and find reasons for disliking each other. I’m sure if we just spoke by ourselves once in a while, that animosity would be quick to disappear. Today was great. It gave me hope that one day I will be able to call you one of my best friends again, and right here in this moment, that is all that i need. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
This is just to say…
This is just to say
I am a fake person.
persecuting others for their emotional dishonesty - people who hide like turtles, only feeling safe inside their shells.
I snarl when I hear someone say something ungenuine.
I judge those who sit watching shadows, oblivious to the sun.
People who run.
But I am one of those people.
It disturbs me.
My conscious races around, trying to sort out the mess of thoughts in my brain – trying to find something usable.
I become aware of the pounds and thuds coming from the little man inside the walls of my chest, struggling to break free.
I hear the cracks as these walls, perhaps, begin to give in, emanating a chilling heat.
I prevent my own happiness.
I grumble and pity, unaware of the action I am able to take.
I do not let in the light.
I prevent, I perform, I pretend I do not care.
Thinking this will be the way out.
Sure as sun turns to moon, it is known that convincing others that you are invincible to hurt makes you invincible to hurt.
right?
Yet I am hurting even so.
They have told me this from the beginning,
yet my eyes refused to open.
I am not perfect.
I make mistakes, I care too much.
I pretend like I do not.
and I should not.
Because I do.
I do.
This is just to say
I do and I should because I do not.
This is just to say
I am terrified.
James Taylor
His music is so easy to cry to.
“Never mind the wind, never mind the road.”
I have so much left to do but on this gloomy Sunday, nothing seems within grasp.
I begin to think why can’t I just not do any work and fill my days with whatever pleases me at the time. Why can’t I wander for a while and not concern myself with being the best. Then my moral judgement gets the better of me.
Someone told me last night how it is so great to see my because I am always so happy.
If only he saw me today.
I think about the promise of summer, but the two and a half months of hell that comes before it gets here.
I think about Friday afternoons when I walk out and look around and look around and then decide to make my way home.
I think of how intimidated I am by the fake overconfidence that encompasses my peers and how my conscious tells me that I can not compete.
I think of how I depend on people who are in another world.
I think of the trigger packet I put together last night for class and how I feel obligated to be moved to tears everytime we run it.
I think of the future. Of how stressed i will be next year.
How I am not building up the skills I need.
How my teacher is not preparing me to pass this exam.
How I am being crushed under Great Expectations.
How I still have not forgotten about you.
How pathetic I have been and am.
How alone I feel and will feel.
“and since we’re on our way down, we might as well enjoy the ride”
“Who am I”
An assignment for English class. Figured I would share it.
Who am I? Well, that is a difficult question to answer. I am Michael Herwitz. I try to be kind. I am outgoing. I’m not shy around my peers, but sometimes get intimidated by someone of whom I have great respect. I am humble sometimes to a point where it seems like I take things for granted, which I guess technically do too. I do like to talk about myself, though. Yes, I understand that is a contradictory statement. In school, people tend to think I am smarter than I am. By no way do I think I am “brilliant” and have a hard time grasping certain concepts. Although I am not destined to score incredibly high on the SAT’s, I am extremely motivated and driven, especially with things I am passionate about; for example, in Drama class and in any theater endeavor I always push myself to work a little bit harder. I am really passionate and get upset when people do not match my enthusiasm. I have no problem putting in extra time into something that I care about, and I don’t think anyone could ever say that I am lazy. I know that this is one of my best attributes and what makes me desired by a lot of people, especially adults and teachers. On the flip side, I am very stubborn in my ideas and do not really like to compromise. I tend to think my ideas are pretty great. I tend to communicate better with adults than children, and many say I am “wise beyond my years.” I learned to be responsible for my own actions at a young age by working in professional theater. Although I am pretty mature in the way I carry myself, in personal matters I am not at the same level of sophistication. My sister used to say that I was “the most mature immature person she knew”, and I think there is a great deal of truth in that. I can get really insensitive at times. I get upset easily and often mope around rather than making the best of the situation. I have an extremely hard time with letting go of things. I tend to over think things, get really attached to people, and can not let go of them. I am always thinking of “what could have been” rather than “what is.” I prefer to be home having a really nice conversation than be out partying. I think I’m a good person. I have a good head on my shoulders, I know what I should be doing, and am continuously self-motivated. It is not that difficult for me to muster up this paragraph. I think that says a lot about me. I am constantly self-assessing, even if I do not necessarily learn from my mistakes. I do think that I know myself pretty well, and I think I like myself. I know I have a lot to work on, but I am pretty okay with who I am.
Reconstruction
I’ve been thinking about this since the early summer. I think i need to do it now. Need to weed out people. Start at the beginning. Erase memories. Keep those who are important. Forget about it all.
Cringe
I’ve written this before. I feel the same way, so I’ll write it again
It’s that feeling that just makes you cringe,
I think about it too much.
I let things that I let go of come back to haunt.
I remember that feeling so distinctly. headphones in my ears, trying to block out any salivating happening below. Three songs on repeat.
1) Flagmaker- the angry stage. The “taking the glass bottle and shattering it on the wall” song. Head under the pillow, eyes shut as tightly as possible, my feet practically kicking.
2: Flying Home - the sad stage. the crying stage. the self-pity.
3: Hear My Song- the going to sleep stage. I don’t really remember what I felt.
And on a day like this I think of the ounce of betrayal that was thrown in the mix.
And as I question what this little thing called “friendship” really is, I come to the conclusion that “friends” is something we will never be.
I will be selfish. I willl plan. I will convince myself of what is to happen. And news like this will not make me doubt myself, will not urge me to duck my head back under the pillow, will not make me jealous, will not make me smash the glass, and will not make me cringe.
“cause you’re there for me too…”
We have so many acquaintances. I walk into school, I get hugs and kisses. I am generally well-liked. I’m not being cocky, I am just reciting facts. I tend to make people smile; however, if you asked how many friends I have, I would probably give you the grand total of two - maybe three.
So many times this year I have left school on a Friday, walked outside, looked around, and found absolutely no one who I really want to spend time with. I have people that make me laugh. A few weeks ago, I had friends over and it was such a great time because I could just laugh, yet I find it hard to reach them. To reach them on a real personal level.
Then there are those who push us away. Even if there was a real personal connection at some point, either A) its gone or B) there never was one to begin with. Perhaps the feeling was just one sided.
There are those who you shared that connection with, and you know if the circumstances were different it would still be there. We talked four times a night. We depended on each other for everything. Our conversations would span an array of different topics. Sometimes really profound, sometimes about the eight Elphaba understudy, but then college comes into play. Life takes us other places and the connection is somewhere else too.
Sometimes we find people. Intelligent, analytically, compassionate people who you are so attracted to, but you are not right for them. You like them more than they like you. Well, there you go. That’s not going to happen.
Sometimes you catch a spark, a flash of something special, but it takes years and years to really manifest that type of relationship. Time that you do not have.
Sometimes, or in my case, almost all of the time, our own self-consciousness and doubt comes in to play and we dismiss things without giving it a real shot.
So at the end of the day, when I think of my friends. People who are smart, people who are fun, people who are here, people who want me, people who would do anything for me.. I think there are two. Maybe three.
And I’m lucky to have that many.
3/25/12 11:11
I wish…
